


No Way Out

by Cat_Moon



Category: Moonlight (TV)
Genre: Dark, F/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 20:03:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19383745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Cat_Moon
Summary: Is there an easy solution to the rift between Mick and Beth that was caused by the events leading up to "The Mortal Cure?" Can it ever be repaired? Where do Mick and Beth go from here? This story explores those questions, and deals with dark possibilities.





	1. intro

**Author's Note:**

> Written 2008. Originally posted on the ML forums. This is a bit dark and not typical style. No one is particularly nice in it. But this is me, so it has a happy ending. Eventually. Sort of. Takes place after “The Mortal Cure.” Oh and it’s a song-fic, big time. Duh, it was inspired by a concept album without which it wouldn’t have been written at all. Chapters are short.

 

_Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes..._

_But when the day is done and the sun goes down, and the moonlight’s shining through,_

_Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven, I'll come crawling on back to you._

_I know that I’m damned if I never get out and maybe I’m damned if I do_

_But with every other beat I’ve got left in my heart_

_You know I’d rather be damned with you”_

**_\--Bat out of Hell_ **

 

 

I thought I knew what being damned was. After all, I’d spent over fifty years intimately acquainted with the state. Funny how it never crossed my mind that it could get worse, or that what looked like my salvation could be just the opposite. Pain? Yeah, another old friend. Some wounds even vampires can’t heal.

What do you do when there’s nothing you can do? No answers, no way out. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. What do I do now?

I knew from the start I should have stayed away from Beth. I ignored my common sense, and let her see me, talked to her. After that, it was like a runaway train. I tried to stop it, several times… but for every time I tried there were two others I didn’t. I should have seen this coming – hell, I did see it coming. I just stood right there on the middle of the tracks and let the train come.

Josh died with his blood on my hands. I can still smell it, feel it. In my nightmares it’s still there, and no amount of Beth’s tears can wash it away. I hear the anguish in her voice when she asked me to turn him, “for me.” The love of my life, the woman I swore to protect as long as she lived, asked her guardian angel to save the love of her life. He refused. I finally got what I’ve been waiting for all these months. I got her to run away from me.

_Stay away from me._

For the best, what I should have done at the beginning. So what did I do? The same thing I always do; I ran to her. I suffered the agonizing questions she asked; bore the lies I had to tell. I didn’t even have the guts to be honest with her, not even with everything falling apart. What did I have left to lose? Why does it still matter? In one breath I tell her I’m a monster, with the next I lie to her to keep her from finding out I’m a monster. What the hell is wrong with me? This is a sick game I’m playing, and it’s one I can’t win. Why did I stay in L.A. all these years? Why don’t I find a vampire wife? If I hate what I am so much why do I go on? If it were Beth, dying, would I turn her? Each question like a silver stake in my heart, each answer a deeper twist. Would the consequences for telling the truth have been so much worse than for lying?

The last question was my final damnation. She will live her life hating me for that, believing that if she was dying I would stand by and let her. Yet if I told her I don’t know, that I fear I’ll never be strong enough to watch her die… she’d hate me for being a hypocrite, and wonder if I was…less than committed to saving Josh. He was my rival. My competition. I think we all knew it, even if the words were never spoken. Should her life be worth more than his? Am I saving him and damning her, or the other way around?

The last of the malt is gone, and my head hurts from the questions that keep tormenting me. I’m tired, tired of the struggle, of the effort it takes to try and be human. Even with the cure making me temporarily mortal, I’m frankly sick and tired of fighting to do what’s right.

Maybe it’s not Mick the vampire who’s the only monster. Maybe Mick the man wasn’t anything to be proud of, either.

 

******

 

The answer comes with the dawn. Finally, a decision is reached. And even though it’s a decision Mick the vampire would never have made, something he could not have done and lived with himself, Mick the man is able to find peace with it, and sleep.

_“Ah baby you’re the only thing in this whole world that’s pure and good and right_

_And w herever you are and wherever you go there’s always gonna be some light_

_But I gotta get out, I gotta break it out now before the final crack of dawn_

_So we gotta make the most of our one night together_

_When it’s over you know we’ll both be so alone…”_

\--Bat Out of Hell

 

******

 

_I can't lie, I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not_

_No matter how I try,_ _I'll never be able to give you something_ _that I just haven't got_

_I want you, I need you,_

_But there ain't no way I'm ever_ _gonna love you_

_Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad_

**\--Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad**

 

Beth wandered around her apartment aimlessly, feeling numb yet confused, worn out yet full of nervous energy. Yesterday she’d buried Josh – the man she’d been involved with for a year and who had been about to propose to her. Yet for every thought of Josh she had, she couldn’t help having two of Mick. Thinking wasn’t productive, she had nothing sensible to offer herself. She wished for something, anything, to take the pain away at least for a little while. Last night it had been a bottle of Jack Daniels, tonight she had no stomach for a repeat.

She opened the refrigerator, but the Ben and Jerry’s was already gone. The kitchen cabinets had no answers to offer her, nor was the laundry hamper any help whatsoever... especially not when it still had one of Josh’s shirts in it.

She remembered how warm and comfortable she’d felt, wearing Mick’s shirt…

She paced into the bedroom and yanked open the dresser drawer. Disturbed by the violent movement, the items inside shifted, revealing one she’d forgotten about until that very moment.

The bottle of Black Crystal.

Beth stared at it for a long time. It would be so nice to be able to feel better again, just for a little while. To forget the past few days would be a blessing, but even the B.C. was useless to her tonight. It wouldn’t bring her the relief she wanted, and the only one she wanted to share its high with… She couldn’t share anything with right now.

Beth was still staring at it when the knock came at the door.

Once the B. C. was again safely hidden, Beth went to the door. It could have been anyone, really. People had been stopping by to check on her all day. Yet she knew it wasn’t _anyone_. She raised her hand and placed it on the door, debating. The feeling that ran through her made her step back hastily in shock. It was almost as if she could feel him there, waiting, on the other side of the door. How could that be? She wasn’t high on B.C. and he wasn’t a vampire at the moment.

The knock that came again didn’t sound at all like Mick’s. It was loud and impatient. It was a knock that demanded entrance. How silly was she going to feel when she answered the door and Carl was on the other side, not Mick? He hadn’t been by to check on her yet today.

She opened the door just as Mick’s hand raised to knock again, blinking in surprise.

“Mick…”

“I need to talk to you,” he told her in a raspy voice.

“Okay. C’mon in,” she stepped aside and watched him walk in, still favoring his hurt side. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Not so bad right now, I got some pain killers. The leg’s still stiff though.” He stood there in the middle of the room, seemingly not sure what to do next. “How are you doing?” he added almost as if it was an afterthought.

“Not so good,” Beth admitted. She watched him move to the sofa and sit down, following behind. When they were seated, he still hadn’t spoken. “What did you need to talk about?” she prompted.

“Huh?”

“You said you wanted to talk to me?” Mick was definitely acting strange. It was making her uncomfortable, almost like it was a stranger sitting beside her and not Mick. With that knowledge her unease grew – Mick had never made her feel like this, even when she’d seen him vamp out for the first time.

He finally looked at her, and she gasped at the pain she could see in his eyes. “I don’t know what to do. I mean, I do, but… I came to tell you I’m sorry I failed you.”

Her mouth opened, but she couldn’t get any words to come out. What do you say to a statement like that?

“If I could change any of it, I would. But I can’t.”

“Are you all right?”

He shook his head. “Neither of us is,” he said with uncharacteristic honesty. “And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t think I can.”

“Time,” she said, “we need time, that’s all,” she rushed to assure him, fearing his words meant goodbye. She couldn’t take another goodbye right now, even if they could barely stand the sight of each other right now. In some crazy, inexplicable way, he was still her anchor.

“Time is not my friend,” Mick answered. “I don’t know how much longer the cure will last before it wears off. The bitch never told me. And except for the perks -- like the pain from getting beaten up, and the hangover, and the stomach ache from eating so much, it hasn’t been all that enjoyable.”

Beth put her hand out towards him, wanting to comfort. “I’m sorry. Life just doesn’t seem very fair right now, does it?”

“I should be used to that,” he almost-whispered, hanging his head.

Seeing Mick in so much pain only seemed to augment hers. She felt it welling up inside her until she felt she might burst from the pressure. “I’m so tired of hurting, too,” she whispered, wanting to cry but feeling like the tears were all dried up. “I just want it to go awhile for a little while…”

When their eyes met, it was like a jolt of electricity passed between them. His eyes on her were intense, and she felt her breathing speeding up. They were on the same wavelength again, but it was a frequency they’d never dared tune in before.

“A little while,” he repeated, his hand going to cup her cheek.

The warmth of his hand on her face spread down to the rest of her body in record time, leaving her feeling flushed and breathless. She was desperate to forget for awhile, to purge the pain, burn it away with something else. Passion was the perfect antidote.

He opened his mouth but she put a finger against his lips, hushing him. “No talking. No thinking. No hurting.”

He took her finger from his mouth and kissed the palm of her hand. “I can give you that. It’s all I have to give.”

She smiled sadly, then rose from the couch and held out her hand. When he took it, she led him silently into the bedroom.

It was cool and dark there, the light from the living room just barely reaching. She started taking off her clothes, but he stopped her, replacing her hands with his.

“You’re so beautiful,” he told her as he unbuttoned her blouse and slipped it off her shoulders.

Beth fought to keep her breathing under control, embarrassed by how quickly she was getting turned on, but not surprised.

He caressed her shoulders briefly, before moving his hands down to her pants. They were just an old pair of lounge pants; he untied the belt and slipped them easily down her legs. “You deserve so much more than the hand you’ve been dealt,” he continued, waiting for her to step out of them.

Beth was afraid to speak, worried of breaking the spell. Lately she had begun to believe the two of them would never reach this stage; now here they were, finally, and she wasn’t going to do anything that might change his mind.

“I love you,” he confessed to her as he slipped his arms behind her and unclasped her bra, letting it fall to the ground. She shivered from both the declaration, and the tongue that was now tasting a path between her breasts; the hands that cupped them, the fingers that teased the nipples. “You’re why I stayed in L.A.”

The stimulation was already too much; when she automatically pressed her body forward into his and felt his hardness, she knew she couldn’t take much more. “Enough teasing,” she complained. Teasing? God, if this was Josh she’d be complaining about his lack of foreplay.

Mick was happy to oblige. He let go of her to dispose of his own clothing, while she stepped out of her panties. When they were both naked at last, he pulled her into him for a passionate kiss. She felt dizzy, drunk on the pleasure that was flooding her body, connecting them flesh to flesh.

Mick maneuvered her onto the bed, following to cover her body with his.

“Yes,” she sighed, arching up into him. Her hands reached around to hold him closer, and they rocked together for awhile, just enjoying the sensations.

“More, need more,” she begged, hooking her leg over his thigh to give him the hint.

“You’re the reason; you make we want to live,” he answered the question she’d asked a few days ago. She was getting everything she’d wanted, and a few things she hadn’t known she desired.

When Mick finally slid into her, it felt like coming home. The feeling wearing his shirt gave her, only to the hundredth power. She cried out, clutching his arms tightly.

Then they found their rhythm and the passion swept all words away. She rocked with him as he pounded into her, and some dark part of her mind was aware of the bed they made love on. It was the same bed she’d made love with Josh in, only a few short days-centuries ago. It made her feel dirty, evil…hot. She opened her eyes and knew by the way Mick was looking at her that he too was aware – and felt the same way.

Instead of the guilt and shame that had been eating at her for days, the feelings loosened something in her chest, and the pressure released at the same time she did. Her orgasm crashed through her, exhilarating with the tidal wave of freedom it brought with it.

Riding the pleasure, she squeezed him in time to his thrusts, until he came with a hoarse shout, collapsing on top of her.

They petted each other down from the high, as so often in their relationship not needing to speak. She felt tears fill her eyes again, but this time they were from joy not pain. Mick loved her. He’d admitted it, finally. Everything could finally start to be okay again…

 

_We let the past slip away, and put the future on hold_   
_Now the present is nothing but a hollowed out dream_

_Read 'em and weep - for all the hours we'll be spending alone- for the dreams we'll ignore_   
_And all those promises we promised to keep, they won't be kept anymore_

_for the magic that our bodies had made_   
_for the blood that we lost_   
_-and all the secrets that we somehow betrayed_   
_For whatever the cost_

_It's there in my eyes and coming straight from my heart_   
_It's running silent and angry and deep_   
_It's here in my eyes and it's all I can say_   
_C'mon look at me and read 'em and weep_

\--Read ‘em and Weep (from “Dead Ringer”)

 

 

**end intro**

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_We could be standing at the top of the world_

_Instead of sinking further down in the mud_

_Someone's got to draw first blood_

\--All Revved Up with No Place to Go

 

“You look like hell,” Josef said candidly. Her mascara was smeared, her hair tangled. She looked like a _lot_ of miles of bad road. Her eyes had a wild desperation that made him uncomfortable. First time a human ever made him feel that, well, besides Sarah, and that was a whole different world.

_It never ends well._

“Where is he?”

Josef looked away momentarily, casting about for convincing lies.

“Don’t even try to pretend you don’t know,” she hissed at him.

“Yeah, I know. And you don’t. That’s the way it has to stay.”

“No.” Denial. “You have to tell me.” There was the desperation.

“I don’t _have_ to do anything. Let it go, Beth. Go home. Grieve for your dead boyfriend, and then go on with your life.”

Josef was used to many reactions from women. Swoons, flirting, yeah, even fear. His stature in the community garnered him a certain level of respect and few were foolish enough to cross any lines. So he was totally unprepared when Beth reached out and slapped his face. Hard.

“You don’t have the right to tell me what to do.”

His eyes paled, and he reached out and grabbed her arms hard enough to bruise. Okay, there was some fear at last – but it had a good portion of fire overlying it. Tough broad, didn’t back down easy. “God, I almost know what he sees in you,” he growled, getting himself back under control.

“I need to know,” she tried to reason with him.

“You need to know. You. You really think the world revolves around you, don’t you? Or at least you think Mick’s does. Listen to me -- Mick’s my best friend and I gotta tell you, I’m sick and tired of seeing him rip out his heart over bitches who keep twisting him in knots.”

“How dare you,” she whispered.

“You got more guts than brains, lady. That might be slightly impressive, but believe me, the other way around it wiser. “

“What are you gonna do?” she taunted. “Drain me? Turn me?” She abruptly slumped, and he noted the defeat with alarm. Almost as if she didn’t care if he did either…

“Your protector isn’t here anymore,” Josef added even though he knew it was unnecessary. She shrugged, as much as his hands would allow. He let her go and moved away. “Ever since you met him you’ve been hanging around him, flirting, dropping all the hints, and then, just when he’s ready to try to make it work with you, you go running back to the mortal boyfriend. You women and your games. A guy like Mick, he doesn’t play well.”

“Ready to try?” she said faintly, clearly shocked. “You don’t understand…”

“Oh, I understand a lot more than you think I do, girlie.” Maybe he’d break through to her, maybe not.

“Doesn’t play games, huh? Do you know what your friend did? He came to my place, took me to bed and then left. I woke up and he was gone. Just a note left behind.”

“You expect me to be outraged on your behalf? After what you did to him? I imagine he just wanted one fuck to remember. I hope you were good.”

She spat at him. “Go to hell!”

“Can’t, sorry to disappoint. I’d have to die for that, and vampires are immortal. _You_ , on the other hand…”

“You’re not going to help me, are you? Maybe I’ll find someone who will…” she turned to leave.

She was a reporter, and from what he’d learned from Mick she generally found a way to accomplish her goals. He grabbed her arm to stop her. “Don’t you get it? You’re from different worlds. It won’t work. The best you can do is go your separate ways and try to forget.”

“Like you did with Sarah?”

His eyes flashed at her name, but he managed to hold his temper. Somehow. “That was different.”

“How?”

“She loved me,” he told Beth in a low, quiet voice. “Cared about my feelings, and wanted to be with me, forever.”

Beth’s voice softened too. “And she had a man who was willing to try and give her that.” The meaning was clear. “I don’t.”

Josef sighed, rubbing a hand over his face in frustration. “Maybe you and Mick deserve each other.” Instantly he regretted his words when he saw the minute hope entering her face. He had to erase it. “That’s not how I heard it. I heard you wanted Mick to sire your sweetie pie. Go against everything he believes in, turn the man into a vampire without his knowledge or consent -- rape, then spend months teaching him how to control himself so he _won't_ drain his pretty blond girlfriend dry – so Joshie can return to you and you two can live happily ever after. Thanks, Mick old pal, we’ll invite you to the wedding. Jesus, why didn’t you just kill Mick, it would have been more merciful.”

Her mouth was hanging open. “I wouldn’t – that’s not what I—“she fell silent. Good, maybe it was _finally_ starting to sink in. She covered her mouth; he didn’t know if it was a gesture of shock or if she was going to upchuck.

Josef nervously looked down at his expensive carpeting.  “He’s in love with you, and all you’ve done is torture him with it since he’s known you.”

Beth was shaking her head, but he didn’t bother to argue. “I _do_ love him! I tried! He wouldn’t—he kept telling me no, that it couldn’t work. Kept pushing me away! What was I supposed to do? Dump a good man who loves me and wanted to be with me for someone who kept rejecting me?!”

“It’d be the honest thing to do. But then I know some of you women just can’t stand to be without a man. Sad, really.”

“Fuck you.”

Josef raised his eyebrow at her uncharacteristic profanity. “This is what I like Mick most for – having him around reminds me of why I’m _glad_   I’m a vamp. Okay, you’ve spend months hurting each other. Give me one good reason why you shouldn’t just chalk it up to experience and move on.”

This silence was a longer one. He wondered if she’d have an answer for him. If she’d use the old lame standby, I love him.

“I can give you two,” she finally said, surprising him again. Her voice wavered, unsure, but continued. “We’re meant to be together.” He scoffed. “Call it destiny, fate – it keeps throwing us together. Two: I don’t think we can survive apart.”

Josef made as if to pull his hair out. “Eee gads, it’s Coraline and Mick all over again. The man is a masochist!”

A strange calm seemed to come over her. He didn’t like it, couldn’t interpret it. “Is there anything I can say or do to get you to tell me where Mick is?” she asked.

“I doubt it. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I’m doing both of you a favor. Take some time, get over the boyfriend, get a clear head again. You’ll see I was right.”

It seemed like she found some strength, from somewhere. Straightened up. Smiled slightly. “I understand. Thank you for seeing me. I’ll see myself out. Take care of yourself.”

Beth turned and left without a glance back. Not at all reassured by the end of the conversation, Josef made some calls to arrange intense surveillance on Ms. Turner. Including a 24/7 tale and having her apartment bugged. He had no idea what she might do, but didn’t trust her at all. She had some “plan” or she wouldn’t have given up that easily. He’d wait and see what it was.

He just wondered… if it involved suicide would he let her do it, stop her, or put everyone out of their misery and turn her.

 

******

 

_And all I've got is time until the end of time._

_I won't look back._

_And I know that I've been released, b_ _ut I don't know to where,_

 _I got a taste of paradise, th_ _at's all I really need to make me stay._

_If I had it any sooner you know_

_You know I never would have run away from my home.”_

\--Heaven Can Wait

 

Beth went home and tried to calm herself down after the adrenalin filled encounter with Josef. She lit some candles. Prayed. Begged. Wrapped herself in nothing but the sheet from the bed they’d made love in. She got out a map of the U.S., and spread it out on the floor.

Then she closed her eyes, spun it around a few times, and stuck a pin in it.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Ah, there you are, my friend. Will you have some refreshment?” Lenny asked of his new employee, gesturing toward several women who lounged around the room.

“Why not,” Mike replied, looking them over speculatively, trying to decide what type he was in the mood for.

“Thanks again for spotting that vamp cheater. Saved the casino a bundle.”

Mike shrugged nonchalantly, taking the hand of a blond freshie. “Piece of cake.”

 

******

 

_On a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?_

_Will he offer me his mouth? Yes._

_Will he offer me his teeth? Yes._

_Will he offer me his jaws? Yes._

_Will he offer me his hunger? Yes._

_And does he love me? Yes._

_Yes._

\--You Took the Words Right Out of my Mouth

 

 

It made perfect sense, really. It was a city that was open twenty-four hours, with lots of nightlife, plenty of action. It was close enough to L.A. to drive in a few hours – if a person should have to return there for some immediate reason. He wouldn’t go that far away. That was his M.O. Pretend to want to break the tie completely and start over – but if he could have done that he wouldn’t have hung around L.A. for twenty two years. Beth almost smiled. $40,000 wasn’t a huge amount of money, but it was enough to live on while taking a leave of absence from work and renting a second apartment near the strip.

It was almost alarming how easy it was. Michael Johnston was the new head of security at the Moonlight Casino. Just so happened one Josef Kostan had a partial ownership of.

 

******

 

Lock picking was probably the best thing a man had ever taught Beth. The place Mick was living in wasn’t up to his usual standards, so it wasn’t difficult to gain entry. Inside the apartment was pretty plain, almost bare. No security. Maybe he didn’t care anymore about his own safety.

Once inside, Beth did a quick search of the place, then waited in the dark for him to return from work. By the time she heard him arriving it was almost dawn and he’d been working all night. He’d be tired. Hopefully that would give her an advantage.

Mick was through the door and had his hand almost to the light before sensing another presence in the room. Careless. In the split second his hand reached the switch he identified the intruder. His hand shook so much he almost knocked over the lamp.

“Hello M-Michael.”

He rubbed a hand tiredly over his eyes. “Why are you here?”

“Guess you can’t get rid of me any easier than I can get rid of you. We need to talk.”

“You always were bossy,” he commented.

“You did get used to it. You might want to get something to drink first, because it’s gonna be a long one.” She’d checked the fridge, so she knew he’d reverted again.

“No, I’m fine; I had a BITE at the office.” He stared at her, hard, a challenge. “I don’t drink the bagged stuff much anymore. The casino provides a large assortment of r-refreshments,” he finished, stumbling just a little on the last word.

She looked around the dump he now called home. “Ah, I see, that’s the way it is.” He was going to do the pushing-away thing again.

“That’s what I am,” he agreed mildly.

“Yep,” she agreed. “Self destructive, masochistic — that one’s from Josef, by the way.”

Mick’s eyes narrowed in anger at his friend’s name. “How’d you get him to tell you where I was?”

“He didn’t.”

Mick regarded her skeptically. “Then how’d you know where I was?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know,” he snapped.

Beth stepped out of the shadows, closer to him. “I closed my eyes and stuck a pin in a fucking map.”

“Fine, don’t tell me then!”

She reached in her purse and pulled out crumpled map, threw it at him. He bent and to retrieve it, looking up at her questioningly. Then he touched it, sensed it. He “saw” her doing exactly what she said she had. He stared at her in stunned silence.

“But of course it can never work, we weren’t meant to be. I have no idea _what_ the universe is thinking, to keep throwing us together like this. You really should have a talk with It. Apparently, like me, It doesn’t understand,” she concluded her snarky comment.

Mick backed up until he could fold his weak legs under him and sit down on the couch. “I was thinking the universe was screwing us.”

Beth slumped, strength that got her this far deserting her. She flopped onto the other end of the battered couch. “No _we're_ screwing us.”

“I thought you probably hated me.”

“You wanted me to.”

“No,” he said quietly, shaking his head. “I wanted you to love me.”

“And even if I had told you the truth – that I do love you, you wouldn’t have been able to believe me. Maybe you weren’t seeing things the way I was…and I wasn’t seeing things the way you were. Here’s what I saw: Every time I tried to get closer to you, you pushed me away and told me it could never happen. No, I wasn’t honest with Josh, either. My feelings for him had changed, but I couldn’t let go. He wanted me. You didn’t.”

“I’ve always wanted you,” Mick responded. “What I saw was me, ruining your life. Taking away whatever chance you had for a normal life and dragging you into this darkness with me.”

“Turns out I’ve got my own darkness,” Beth told him. “It scared the hell out of me when I came face to face with it. I’ve had a lot of time to think… You probably figured I got scared when I saw Sarah.”

“Crossed my mind,” Mick admitted.

“But not really, not nearly as much as I scared myself.”

“You?”

“Mick, I stabbed someone! I took a piece of wood and shoved it into her chest.”

“You thought she was a vampire, that it would only paralyze her,” he argued.

Beth shook her head in denial of the excuse. “It’s what I felt while I was doing it. I had no idea I was capable of such… hatred, rage. And even after, when I found out she was human again and in the hospital. I wasn’t sorry. And I wanted you to hate her as much as I did, because of what she did to me. Instead you told me you still cared about her. And I knew I’d never – _never_ be okay with that.” She paused to take some breaths, and he let her go, knowing she needed to get it all out.

“God,” she almost sobbed. “Is this what you feel like when you admit something horrible about yourself?”

“You’re not horrible! You’re human.”

“What, that gives me some kind of special pass? I strung Josh along, even though I knew it was wrong because I wasn’t in love with him anymore. Let him think… then when he died I couldn’t stand the guilt. And when you wouldn’t turn him all I could think about was _myself_ . Because if you wouldn’t turn him you’d never turn me, and I saw myself losing everything in that moment. Both of you.” She wrapped arms around her middle and bent over. “My god, what kind of a monster am I?!”

Mick flew off his side of couch and knelt on floor, pulled her hands away and looked into her tear-stained face. “Beth, no! You’re not a monster!”

She met his gaze squarely. “And now you think my feelings are your fault and you feel guilty. Just like I feel guilty, feel like all this is my fault.”

Mick sat back on his haunches. “What a mess.” He put his hand up to caress her face. “I never wanted this for you.”

She actually smiled. “I’m not the innocent little girl you saved anymore. And you’re not my guardian angel anymore. I thought you’d do _anything_ for me…and then you wouldn’t. That hurt, too. I even lost my fairytale; the one thing that kept me feeling safe all these years.”

Mick regarded her thoughtfully. “You know, after everything you’ve gone through, first the kidnapping, then everything that happened since I walked into your life again… you handled it all practically without batting an eyelash, but that’s more than enough for anyone to have a meltdown. It doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person. It was just too much.”

“And what you went thought when you were turned is plenty of cause for PTSD,” she countered. “Or are we just making excuses for ourselves?”

“When did you turn into me?” he wanted to know.

“I think we both need some serious therapy,” she admitted.  When you start acting that crazy... time to get professional help. “There are vamp PI’s, coroners, stock traders, there must be some vamp psychologists?”

“Probably,” he agreed cautiously. “In the meantime?”

Beth held out her hand. “Come home with me? You can’t give me back my innocence, or my safety net. There’s just one thing you can give me now. _You_. Will you do that for me?”

“I was just waiting for you to ask.”

“I’m asking.”

He took her hand. “It’s all I have. It’s not much.”

“It’s everything to me.”

Mick pulled her into his arms and held on tight.

It was all they had.

But it was enough.

 

 

The end of childhood

2/17/08

 


End file.
